[...]="lsts lst2">◦="trms"nttrm="righ,rigo,riga,rigi,trig,rign">rigorously passionate perception
="lsts lst1">•="trms">rhetorical perception
="lsts lst1">•sacred perception
="lsts lst1">•devilish perception
="lsts lst1">•queer non-perception
="lsts lst1">•having a taste for ="nms">iranian stuff perception
="lsts lst1">•
='lgc'>='lgc'>--> poly="trms">skilled web of friends



='at'>#="nms">Bambi's mother studies='lgc'>:
="lsts lst1">•other ="trms">stories possibility, ="trms">past and ="trms">history, performative approach to film
="lsts lst1">•politics of ="trms">memory, and ="trms">affect
="lsts lst1">•patterns of re="trms">membrance ='lgc'>=/= event recall
="lsts lst1">•

three ="trms">childhood ="trms">memories, ="trms">stories, from elementary school='lgc'>:
="lsts lst1">•the ="trms">mime of “you think (too much)”
="lsts lst1">•the weird pro hit on the coming ball
="lsts lst1">•peeping into the toilet
="lsts lst1">•

="large lg2" stl="font-size:111%"> my ="trms">childhood recognizing='lgc'>:
="lsts lst1">•filaments (hypha, hyphae, تار) of spider webs
="lsts lst1">•patterns of ants
="lsts lst1">•motion color b="trms"nttrm="failure,blur,plur,lurk,tallur,slur">lurings ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> that ="trms">present is “physical if the eye is quick enough” (="frds scrmbld">Stevens)
="lsts lst1">•

the ways i was engaged as a ="trms">child in scope-="trms">apparatus, micro-macro scales


what other ="trms">stories, re="trms">membrances of the ="trms">past are possible='qstn'>?
="prgrph">-="trms">different ="trms">apparatuses of attention, reconstruction, and ="trms">storytelling, that are ="trms">="trms">equipped to hold diffractive patterns of ‘that which comes to mind’


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can we care for “="nms">iranians” without “for ="nms">iran”='qstn'>?
(i can't care less about ="nms">Iran)

="large lg1" stl="font-size:117%"> ="display:block;white-space:nowrap;margin-bottom:-1em;overflow:hidden;">...................................

perhaps artistic research is all about playing cat's cradle (='lgc'>=/= autism) ='lgc'>: (you have all ="trms">sorts of limbs, even ="nms">phantom limbs) you must learn sustaining the rhythm of accepting and giving, (collaborative) patterning (that requires passion and action) ='lgc'>[this is one ="trms">skill that ="trms">matters a lot, what i have been trying to teach myself above anything else in the last years='lgc'>] ='lgc'>[i am playing that game with ="ppl">="ppl">Haraway, joining her (and others) in ="trms">thick, collaborative patterning; generous knottings; ="trms">thickening the knots, relaying a mutated and re="trms">situated pattern for the next play='lgc'>]
="lsts lst1">•getting the knot, proposing another
="lsts lst1">•you must learn how to hold still
="lsts lst2">◦(more and more) in ="trms">different ="trms">material and conceptual grains of detail and resolution
="lsts lst1">•the most important thing in research practices is this patterning, ="trms">networks reenacted (="ppl">Katie ="ppl">King)
(="frds scrmbld">Lili's kiss project was about that, blocked ="trms">intersubjectivity, a ="trms">matter of “learning to be ="trms">affected”; can i say that ="frds scrmbld">Lili's issue is with the lack of ='lgc'>[psychological, or psychic='lgc'>] dialogue='qstn'>? a ="trms">language that no longer carries ="trms">="trms"nttrm="metaph,metamorph,metabol,metal">metaphor displaces the ="trms">="trms"nttrm="metaph,metamorph,metabol,metal">metaphorical drive='lgc'>: acting out the soul's ="trms">="trms"nttrm="metaph,metamorph,metabol,metal">metaphor in direct ='lgc'>[non="trms">verbal='lgc'>] action. the breath in ="frds scrmbld">Lili's work, is the same in her suffocated kiss and scream performance, once hold in and one unleashed, lack of a “breather,” of a “converser,” of a partner in cat's cradle.)='lgc'>--='lgc'>[i like to propose a repatterning='lgc'>: in research environments we play a lot “catch me if you can”='lgc'>: to catching you in action, to capture your ‘knowing’ in action, to capture eros or logos in act, ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> ='at'>#beauty is ="trms">interested in action='lgc'>]
="lsts lst1">•it is about “understanding living with contra="trms">diction” ='lgc'>: making choices without necessarily turning the other choices into something an enemy does ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> important for collective research life; “='lgc'>[we='lgc'>] need each other's extremes”; ='strcls'>*our activisms are not the same='strcls'>*='lgc'>: to open up to our extremes, to open up to what you are not sure of ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> to find ways to be in productive alliance (='lgc'>=/= ='thdf'>the notion that everybody has to do everything ='lgc'>[tell ="frds scrmbld">Xiri='lgc'>])
="lsts lst1">•(educating oneself) actually know how to explain what somebody else said and not just what you said='strcls'>*** ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> figuring out how to disagree with each other as well as agree, that no statement is going to be taken as evidence of being the enemy (='lgc'>='lgc'>--> we face this in ="nms">apass)
="lsts lst1">•learning how to recognize ="trms">authority (as a mentor and participant) (the problem of the inability to deal with ="trms">authority, common in early feminist movement, traces in ="frds scrmbld">Xiri) ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> being alert to how hierarchy shut people up that one don't acknowl="trms"nttrm="knowledge,Knowledge">edge the hierarchies that emerge out of that ='strcls'>*='lgc'>{alarm ='lgc'>==> hierarchy='lgc'>}='strcls'>*
="lsts lst1">•in ="nms">apass i am trying to re="trms">member what my peers are doing, and when i see things i think of them, and they are in my ="trms">citation ="trms">network (they are all over ="nms">ajayeb.net) and i am aware of what they have told me. words they are inventing are in my ="trms">vocabulary too (='thdf'>that is why i am so energetic calling in ="frds scrmbld">Xiri's ="trms">category change ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> for example “generous suspicion”)
="lsts lst1">•collective research environment works by ="trms">networks='strcls'>* (='lgc'>='lgc'>--> a problem with ="nms">apass)


='lgc'>[='strcls'>*='lgc'>]="trms">epistemology='lgc'> = ="trms">stories knowl="trms"nttrm="knowledge,Knowledge">edges tell


sometimes practices ="trms">demand='lgc'>:
="lsts lst1">•ex="trms">="trms"nttrm="cluster,club">clusive expertise (='lgc'>~ focus)
="lsts lst1">•extensive scholarship ='lgc'>==> linking and speculating
="lsts lst1">•attaching unexpected ="trms">agencies and territories to each other


(better) understanding the mechanisms and ="trms">affects of in="trms">="trms"nttrm="cluster,club">clusion and ex="trms">="trms"nttrm="cluster,club">clusion in ="trms">communities of practice
for example in ="nms">apass (we are dealing with)='lgc'>:
="lsts lst1">•suffer ='lgc'><== ="trms">mutual incomprehensions
="lsts lst1">•pain ='lgc'><== heterogeneous knowl="trms"nttrm="knowledge,Knowledge">edge ="trms">worlds
="lsts lst1">•="trms"nttrm="danger,stranger">anger ='lgc'><== unevenly distributed power
="lsts lst1">•fatigue ='lgc'><== exposure to intensity
="lsts lst1">•tension ='lgc'><== ="trms">different ="trms">styles of knowing

unacknowl="trms"nttrm="knowledge,Knowledge">edged suffering ='lgc'>--(in ="trms">past and ="trms">present)='at'>@="frds scrmbld">Hoda='lgc'>='lgc'>--> as well as pleasures


(what do you make out of ="trms"nttrm="already,spread">reading your gender ="trms">material='qstn'>?)


="trms">Greek brainwomb

="large lg3" stl="font-size:110%">
feminism  ='lgc'>='lgc'>~/= feminist theory='lgc'>='lgc'>-->='lgc'>{highly diverse, located in many domains of practices in and out of the university, and understood to be this highly diverse activity='lgc'>}


the talks i have been giving are done by someone with a kind of mind and soul that just makes connections fast. i work orally. the ="trms">lectures are heavily prepared (and some important ways unprepared in the manner of its performance='lgc'>: all those connections happening during the talk not knowing them beforehand, they happen by the encounter='strcls'>*) and full of cue (سخن رهنما، ايماء، اشارت) and quirk (تزئينات، تناقض گويى، تغيير ناگهانى فکر). my notes and scripting are invisible to my audience, but they are there at work. and it gets people ex="trms">cited. and that's the point. i work with confusion and ex="trms">citement. i have not been good at laying out groundwork of ="trms">skills, going to next level and so on. i am working with that feeling of “i am not sure what i am getting, by i think i am getting it”. i also always come back, loop again through the same ="trms">material, go back to the ="trms">question we were raising before and ='strcls'>***“watch what is happening to the ="trms">language”='strcls'>***(="ppl">="ppl">Haraway). these are the ways my connections work. artistic and scholarly work works by ='strcls'>**modes of attention='strcls'>** ='lgc'>[='lgc'>--re="trms">member='lgc'>='lgc'>--> your mode of attention (= your mode of abstraction) is doing the foregrounding and the ="trms">world is not actually built that way. so you make ‘your mode of attention='lgc'> = ="trms">world’ to inhabit something for a certain time only to do a certain kind of work)='lgc'>] ='lgc'>--(because)='lgc'>='lgc'>--> you are always jumping into the middle of something that is ongoing before you, into the middle of many conversations. you are learning how to get it in several ways at once. the hypertext that i have been building also characterizes these kinds of layering upon layering of textual work. teaching myself how to ="trms">write and how to play with ideas.
working with (="ppl">="ppl">Haraway's) kind of good-enough approach to a body of scholarship ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> inhabiting many things that i have only got half-di="trms">gested (='lgc'>=/= through di="trms">gestion, particular bodies of ="trms"nttrm="already,spread">reading that people need to have mastered in order to argue)

="large lg4" stl="font-size:111%"> (after five years now i am) feeling myself (a little bit more) competent and confident in (some) ="trms">scientific ="trms">literacy and in (some of) the ="trms">skills of the arts and ="trms">literature ='lgc'>='lgc'>--> ='qstn'>?

after ="nms">apass='lgc'>: ="nms">apass was a safe-enough space for my inventive processes, to make ="trms">interesting mistakes, but do i need a real scholarly undertaking with ="nms">ajayeb='qstn'>?
i had a lousy education, don't know still how to ="trms">write well and coherently and sustain a project. i don't have the ="trms">skills to pull off ='mywrk'>my research as a phd, as a scholar. i need someone to work with me line-by-line. i need to go people who have ="trms">serious educations in my subject, and ask them ="trms">questions, and ="trms"nttrm="already,spread">read.
and i am missing that kind of connectivity that your ="trms">writing being ="trms"nttrm="already,spread">read performs. do i need an atmosphere in which my kind of ="trms">writerly activities are honored and foregrounded, and expected='qstn'>?

can my ="nms">ajayeb beome a real scholarly project with ="trms">seriously labor-intensive student work='qstn'>?


hostility ='lgc'>=/= indi="trms">gestibility ='lgc'>{they cannot recognize it, it is something else='lgc'>}='lgc'>='lgc'>--> it is not personal, but a ="trms">historical state of a discourse, and the ="trms">nature of the kinds of possibilities that being opened up or closed

="large lg5" stl="font-size:135%">
(in ="nms">apass) all of us fail each other in ="trms">different ways all the time='strcls'>*

we can barely[...]